This May Be My Last Orginal Post

Have you ever been so depressed or discouraged about something that you lost all desire for the things you once enjoyed? That is where I am at right now. Even on the off chance that things somehow work out in the end I just don’t think I will have the where with all to continue blogging. I’ve lost something dear to me and it’s all due to a verbal misunderstanding.

Sometimes guys, it’s not what you say but how you say it. Be careful. What does this mean? I’m not sure. There are close to 30 scheduled posts composed and ready to go, including (Poetic License, Dinner Party and the two meme posts in the making), there are guest bloggers that I would still love to have guesting for me. Also, I am supposed to be doing a collaborative effort with Cherlyn in the near future. I still will do that but it will only be posted on her blog. I have not decided yet, but I might continue leaving comments on your blogs. I’m just not really sure what direction I will take.

If I do decide to  stop blogging or at least take a seriously long hiatus, I will need someone to take over First Class Blogger Award, Flavor Internationale and perhaps if someone doesn’t mind, take over this blog as well. There is also the matter of my new sister, Anne. We keep in contact by email so there should not be a problem with that respect, however, I would love for you guys to continue to encourage her and show her love after she gets out of the institution.

I have not come to a definitive conclusion but I wanted you guys, both my new friends and old, to be aware of what is going on with my life. I’ve shared so many other personal things, I might as well share this too. As always I wanted to be open and honest in my posts. I am a very unhappy guy and yes of course it involves April. I put my foot in my mouth and there is nothing I have been able to do to remove it. Even if she forgives me for the things I said, I fear things will never be the same again. I hope to be proven wrong but only God knows. As of right now it looks like I lost my best friend.

Sorry so somber.

  1. #1 by scrunchylips on March 24, 2012 - 7:07 AM

    Hey Tom – I moved and in the process of that (meaning losing internet at my residence) and switching work places (meaning starting from scratch and a lot of work) I missed many a blog and didnt stumble on this till just now –

    I pray all is well!
    I hope I can hear a very miraculous update – if it is still on the mend – know you and April are in my prayers!!!

    Fighting! (we say this in Korea to mean stand strong and dont give up!)

    • #2 by Tom Baker on March 24, 2012 - 8:11 AM

      Moving is not a fun thing to do – very stressful. There was a miraculous update! Things are fine now.

  2. #4 by A Pakistani Boy on February 17, 2012 - 12:21 PM

    Keep trying sir Tom! Don’t give up. Please. Stop blogging you may, but try your best to make things right. But i guess you have this blog too to make it all right. Go all out and don’t let go. Don’t give up on hope :(

    your blogs mean the world to people, me included and they have brought smiles on many faces and lightened many hearts. I’m sure your blogs do that to you too. So please don’t leave.

    • #5 by Tom Baker on February 17, 2012 - 1:43 PM

      Thank you APB, your words mean a lot and I am still working on a ‘comeback’.

  3. #6 by sarsm on February 14, 2012 - 3:04 PM

    You wrote this post quite some time ago. I hope things have improved in your life and that you are feeling better. Take care.

    • #7 by Tom Baker on February 15, 2012 - 10:33 AM

      Thank you Sarah, things have improved and just waiting for the posting desire to come back.

  4. #8 by Chris on February 12, 2012 - 12:32 AM

    Tom, sorry to see that you are thinking of hanging it up. I hope that you don’t and after a break you feel re-energized and ready to go. If you don’t come back, I wish you the best for your future.

    • #9 by Tom Baker on February 15, 2012 - 10:33 AM

      I’m feeling better but don’t have the desire yet to create any new posts. I am still putting the finishing touches on the dinner party.

  5. #10 by Melanie T on February 7, 2012 - 5:11 PM

    Hey Tom, I’m barely getting around to visiting blogs and I’m saddened by this post. Depression is a deep pit of hopelessness but amidst that feeling of hopelessness are a sea of bloggers hoping you climb out of that pit. I being a little part of that sea…

    • #11 by Tom Baker on February 10, 2012 - 8:48 AM

      Melanie I am very happy that you are blogging again. I’m sorry that you came back to my post but things might change as I am more open to the idea of returning and I’ve got a lot I could write about. It is very good to see you back here. I missed you.

  6. #12 by Seth Winternight on February 7, 2012 - 11:54 AM

    Your have our support and mine, enough said :)

    • #13 by Tom Baker on February 10, 2012 - 8:52 AM

      Thank you Seth. I do appreciate it.

  7. #14 by The Recipe Diaries on February 6, 2012 - 7:40 PM

    I obviously, have just started reading your blog and do not really know you, however, I offer this to you. Keep your head up, I recently had some events happen in my life that devastated me because of someone elses words/actions. You have to keep on keeping on and know that those who are here obviously want to hear from you. Hope things work out for you, Remember, everything happens for a reason, even if you don’t see it now. :)

    • #15 by Tom Baker on February 10, 2012 - 9:03 AM

      I agree with you about things happening for a reason. I will seriously consider returning to blogging so keep sending positive vibes.

  8. #16 by kara on February 6, 2012 - 9:02 AM

    Tom, i hope your relationship has become stronger and will help you move on to another level of knowing yourself. Depression comes before an intact personhood and introduces us to a more serene dwelling in the world. Good luck man.

    • #17 by Tom Baker on February 6, 2012 - 7:06 PM

      Kara, I am no longer depressed about the situation, but I don’t feel like blogging again. All the encouraging from my friends is helping spur me on though. I appreciate it.

  9. #18 by WordsFallFromMyEyes on February 5, 2012 - 7:38 AM

    This is very, very sombre, yes. I am feeling very much for you at the moment. I am sorry to hear you think of ceasing blogging – but it has meaning to you; don’t give it up, cling to that bit of meaning while all else falls apart around you. I think continuing blogging could be like the piece of wood you float on when the ship has sunk.

    Tom, I have indeed met depression, yes, where I lost interest, and appetite. I got very sick, weak, worn down. I dearly dearly hope some life can be breathed back into you – by a visit to the beach? some part of nature somewhere?

    Dear Tom, sincerely, I am wishing you strength and energy.

    • #19 by Tom Baker on February 6, 2012 - 7:05 PM

      Thank you. I am feeling better these days as we are doing better. I hope to get my writing desire together again and perhaps blog again. April thinks I should too. Hopefully.

  10. #20 by S.G. on February 4, 2012 - 2:15 PM

    :( I’m sorry that you’re going through a tough time.The only thing I know with absolute certainty is that you will look back on this eventually and things will have gotten better. You’ll be stronger because you went through this.

    • #21 by Tom Baker on February 6, 2012 - 7:03 PM

      Kelly Clarkson says what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger, so I agree with you.

  11. #22 by Michelle on February 2, 2012 - 9:46 AM

    Hey Tom, I know how you feel. That horrible despair that makes you want to get rid of everything you’ve ever had. I was close to deleting my blog and all my other social networks too, until I decided a hiatus would be better, so I really hope things work out for you when you’re on break. I won’t say things will definitely look up, because we’ll never know, but whatever happens, you have friends here. Us. And although we don’t really know each other very well, but you are definitely a friend to me. *hugs*

    • #23 by Tom Baker on February 3, 2012 - 8:01 AM

      Another hug that I really needed. Thank you Michelle. I think a hiatus is more of what I need. Even if I decide to not write anymore posts I will surely stop by the blogs of my friends and leave comments — continuously. You are considered a friend of mine as well and we can get to know one another better through emails if you like.

  12. #24 by PM on February 1, 2012 - 12:37 AM

    my heart goes out to you tom and whatever you decide to be the best for you please know that your words are in our hearts. i have not the slightest clue on what happened to cause you this despair but i wish you well. this too shall pass and i hope you do not let your heart be broken for so long. yours is a wonderful spirit so cheer up! :)

    ps. i wrote some bit of poetry on my blog. i do not know who to show it too because idk a lot who likes poetry. if you do not mind, can you check this out and tell me what you think? here is the link: thank you tom. :)

    • #25 by Tom Baker on February 3, 2012 - 7:59 AM

      Things are much better with April and I but I still have an emptiness inside that I am working on. The poem was beautiful and I would love to see more. In fact, it does not matter what your guest post is on, I would love if you would include an original PM poem with it! I appreciate your words of kindness.

  13. #26 by sheilarosebelmonte on January 31, 2012 - 3:47 PM

    Hey Tom. I think in some way, we are on the same page. As you can see this friend at work I blogged about apologized to me and because I thought we were friends, I told her how her actions made me feel, but she didn’t like it and got angry of me. Although I am sure I said it right and light, it is how she perceived it. She was hurt and I offended her – it was her right. April was hurt as well. But in time, you will realize why it had to be that way, why God allowed it to happen. I pray that sooner or later, you will see the bright side of what happened to you and April. Remember when you told me we can forgive but not forget? It only doesn’t work on the hurt person but also on the one who hurt. I mean, April will (I believe she will) forgive you, but she will never forget it and will know how to react in a better way next time. As for you, you will forgive yourself, and should never forget about this so that next time, you will double-check how you say something to someone. Don’t stop writing – you love it. You can always write how you feel – happy or sad – this would be your outlet.

    • #27 by Tom Baker on February 3, 2012 - 7:57 AM

      Miss Sheila, April has forgiven me. Actually she blames herself for what happened but we are equally to blame. Love and forgiveness are not the issues. Right now, the problem is in my mind and spirit and I’m doing a bit of wrestling with myself. Thank you for encouraging me. Bloggers have been so nice to me over the years. I really wish the way bloggers connect with one another even after only one small contact, would be the way all of society interacts with one another. You are very kind.

      • #28 by sheilarosebelmonte on February 6, 2012 - 3:51 PM

        I couldn’t agree more. :)

        I will keep you in my thoughts and will pray for you. xoxo

  14. #29 by JeLisa | Blogging Ever After on January 31, 2012 - 1:13 AM

    Oh, Tom, I’m so sorry you’re hurting. I really, really hope everything works out. Virtual hugs in the meantime!

    • #30 by Tom Baker on February 3, 2012 - 7:53 AM

      Thank you JeLisa, I need a hug and virtual is just fine!

  15. #31 by saintcharlotte on January 30, 2012 - 6:39 AM

    Tom, I hope April gets to read this and realizes how much you love her ….

    • #32 by Tom Baker on February 3, 2012 - 7:52 AM

      Love is not the problem. She knows how much I love her!

  16. #33 by saintcharlotte on January 30, 2012 - 6:37 AM

    Tom, I hope you’re okay and I really hope you’ll start blogging again soon. You were one of the first bloggers here to really like my work. I wish you the best, and please remember, things have a way of working out. Hugs :-)

    • #34 by Tom Baker on February 3, 2012 - 7:51 AM

      Charlotte, if I can find the desire, I will start blogging once more. I’m looking forward to the day I truly feel better.

  17. #35 by eva626 on January 29, 2012 - 11:42 PM

    its always sad to read these types of posts…it makes me feel like leaving too. I did more then once..but came back. Anyway i hope you feel better about the situation…

    i feel very sad at the moment…

    • #36 by Tom Baker on February 3, 2012 - 7:50 AM

      Eva, I did not mean to make you feel sad. I do feel better about the situation but still have not regained the desire to do things — except eating. Hunger has a way of making you eat!

  18. #37 by lindastudley on January 29, 2012 - 8:08 PM

    Tom, I am sending you positive thoughts. Beating yourself up won’t change anything, just keep on being as good a person as you can and as honest as you seem to be from you posts and trust that things will work out. Don’t cut yourself off or deny yourself a creative outlet. Take a deep breath and be Tom. Someone, somewhere will love you for it. Heart goes out.

    • #38 by Tom Baker on February 3, 2012 - 7:49 AM

      Thank you Linda for the encouraging words. It might work out that I continue blogging but I still don’t feel it coming back yet. I had scheduled lots of posts long before I made this decision so you will still find things from me to read. In fact one posted yesterday. Thanks again.

  19. #39 by mysterycoach on January 28, 2012 - 9:30 PM

    Well… forgive me, I don’t know you so well.. however, what happened? You certainly do not have to answer me, however, maybe you would find it helpful to talk about it… I do, that’s me though. So… I do hope whatever it is that you work it out.

    • #40 by Tom Baker on January 28, 2012 - 10:06 PM

      I just said a few things that I felt but said them in a way that was more harsh than it had to be. There is an appropriate way to say something to someone, and I failed miserably.

      • #41 by mysterycoach on January 29, 2012 - 7:10 AM

        ooooh I see… You know, words spoken in anger are never from the heart … I haven’t read a lot of your blog, only glimpses yet… depending on what you said, maybe well… can you take it back? Oh man, I remember the times I”ve stuck my foot in my mouth and done something like that … (No I know we can’t take something back once it’s said) BUT you know!!!! You guys can talk about it and all that good stuff and you know, in it’s simplest form…

        Make nice :) No?

  20. #42 by hajpaj on January 28, 2012 - 10:22 AM

    I’m sorry to hear that you’re having a hard time. I can’t give you much advice because I only just met you and I haven’t been following your previous posts, but please don’t sit back and wallow in despair. Try mending things! I’m sure tomorrow will be a brighter day! Again, thank you so much for visiting my blog, it really really meant a lot to me. It’s unfortunate that you might take some time off now, but you got to do what you got to do. Stay strong!

    • #43 by Tom Baker on January 28, 2012 - 10:04 PM

      I don’t feel like I am wallowing but perhaps I am. I am just numb right now. Stunned and not at all thinking clearly. Thanks for caring.

  21. #44 by Nathan on January 28, 2012 - 7:31 AM

    It’s not what you said, it’s never what someone says. The other just wanted a justification. For those who love someone, words have no meaning. What really matters are the actions, a look, a grim, the between the lines. Love is simple, those who love, forgive anything. Or, it’s not love. So, cheer up, look around and realise there must be a line of people waiting for you to look at them. It’s better to get rid of whom you thought you loved and loved you. It’s better to face the truth.

    • #45 by Tom Baker on January 28, 2012 - 10:02 PM

      I believe you are a first time commentor and I truly appreciate this being the time you decided to comment. I am looking and hoping for things to get better and actions do speak louder than words. I’m trying to get both to align.

  22. #46 by Cherlyn on January 27, 2012 - 6:30 AM

    Don’t jump the shark Tom – things may feel bad now, but they can get better. Wait to see what comes of it before you decide you’re quitting for good, but understandably, a break is definitely needed. I’m so sorry to hear things are going so great right now, but even though I’m not a religious person, I have faith in my friends and the people I love, and I have faith that if you want something bad enough you can achieve it. Relationships have their bad moments sure, but that’s what love is – it’s going through the bad stuff together.

    We’re here for you Tom. Don’t give up hope!

    • #47 by Tom Baker on January 28, 2012 - 9:53 PM

      I got you email and will also respond to that. I do feel bad now and I am looking for things to get better but right now, presently I feel like I was beat to a pulp by Mr. T. I do have faith and I appreciate you reminding me. Thank you for caring.

  23. #48 by Iron Cook Carl on January 26, 2012 - 7:27 PM

    Thinking back to my own experiences, I remember losing the desire to smile, laugh, eat, sleep (actually I would have liked to sleep but could not), or do much of anything I enjoyed. As time passes things seem more manageable and we move on. As many have stated, a hiatus sounds like the best route. Whatever you decide, don’t do anything hastily and do not delete your blog!

    • #49 by Tom Baker on January 28, 2012 - 9:51 PM

      Carl, I know exactly how you were feeling and I hope divorce is not in our future but I just don’t know. Thanks.

  24. #50 by priyaasha on January 26, 2012 - 8:01 AM

    i hope u find peace…. and things get better….
    u’ll be missed… i hope things work out for you….
    best wishes…

    • #51 by Tom Baker on January 28, 2012 - 9:43 PM

      Thank you for caring Priyaasha. Of course your poem will get posted!

  25. #52 by Addie on January 25, 2012 - 3:31 AM

    This saddens me. I would like it if you only take a long hiatus but if to end this is really your last resort, I’d respect the decision. Know that you will be missed and I want you to know how you have been inspiring me to write. As a Filipina, I also admire you for caring so much for Anne (another Filipina). You’re the best Kuya there is.

    All the best and hope things brighten up soonest. You’re Tom, after all.

    • #53 by Tom Baker on January 28, 2012 - 9:40 PM

      You flatter me and believe me, Anne deserves a better Kuya than I! Keep blogging and if I inspired you in some way, it was an honor. Thank you for caring.

  26. #54 by msjfreckles on January 25, 2012 - 12:43 AM

    Hi, Tom. It looks like you just need a break. A long hiatus, if you must. Don’t worry because everything happens for a purpose and what you’re going through right now will be over. Hopefully, soon. So take a break, relax and let things unfold in your life. May you find peace and eventually, the drive to blog again someday. :)

    • #55 by Tom Baker on January 28, 2012 - 9:39 PM

      I feel like a hypocrite because I am always telling others to look on the bright side, but… Nothing is definite and I have plenty of scheduled posts still coming up so there is plenty more from me already written. I hope you read and enjoy those! Thank you for caring.

      • #56 by mysterycoach on January 28, 2012 - 9:44 PM

        You are not a hypocrite. When you tell others to look at the bright side it is with good intent to make them feel better. When you are “IN” something it FEELS much worse and we need to work through those emotions… you are not a hypocrite. Human, yes… hypocritical. No.

  27. #57 by Inside the Mind of Isadora on January 24, 2012 - 9:01 PM

    I see you have caught the-foot-in-mouth disease that some men seem to catch when their brain is frozen from too many smoothies.
    I think your decisions are emotional but – what do I know? I have been coming to your blog and have enjoyed them. Blogs can be time consuming.
    Our loved ones, sometimes, feel we are more connected to the computer than to them. It probably has nothing to do with it but again – what do I know?
    Your relationship is personal as it should be but I think you will be sorely missed around this blog and the others, as well.
    A sabbatical seems like a less extreme way to go but again – what do I know?
    What I do know? You will be missed, you are very talented and this too shall pass.
    Be well,

    • #58 by Tom Baker on January 28, 2012 - 9:37 PM

      It was most definitely an emotional decision and perhaps immature, but as you stated, I am a man. Blogs are very time consuming but it is not the issue because I usually have the time. It’s the desire I am lacking now. Thank you for caring.

  28. #59 by Rose Reynolds on January 24, 2012 - 8:44 PM

    I thought you and April were the perfect couple. I hope you and her work things out but that does not explain why you want to end your blog. Are you just sad or is there more to it?

    • #60 by Tom Baker on January 28, 2012 - 9:35 PM

      I don’t know why ending the blog came to my mind either but somewhere during feeling sorry for myself I stopped caring about some things. Thank you for caring though.

      • #61 by Rose Reynolds on January 31, 2012 - 8:25 PM

        I hope you feel differently later on. Time will tell.

        • #62 by Tom Baker on February 3, 2012 - 7:57 AM

          We will see Rose. Thanks for the email too.

  29. #63 by mysterycoach on January 24, 2012 - 4:36 PM

    I’m sorry to hear you’ve had a disagreement. I don’t know who april is however I do hope you two can mend things. :(

    • #64 by Tom Baker on January 28, 2012 - 9:33 PM

      April is my wife and best friend. I’m looking to mend things too. Thank you for caring.

      • #65 by mysterycoach on January 28, 2012 - 9:37 PM

        Of course … I hate when misunderstandings happen or whatever it may be … hurts my heart really. I hope you work it out with April … I do. Sincerely… M.C.

  30. #66 by David (1MereMortal) on January 24, 2012 - 9:25 AM

    Tom – I hope everything works out and that you find peace.

    • #67 by Tom Baker on January 28, 2012 - 9:32 PM

      Thank you David. Peace is exactly what I am looking for.

  31. #68 by Mariana on January 24, 2012 - 1:18 AM

    I’m sorry to see you go and I hope this is a hiatus and not a definite end.
    Thank you for all the comments and for the encouragement. Blogging would’ve been a lot more lonely without it.
    I hope everything works out and I hope that this isn’t good bye.

    • #69 by Tom Baker on January 28, 2012 - 9:32 PM

      I hope it is just a hiatus too. Even if I stop my blogging I will still stop by and leave comments for everyone. Thank you for caring.

  32. #70 by Broken Sparkles on January 24, 2012 - 1:05 AM

    I agree with TemptingSweets, take a deep breath and give a chance to things to settle down. There are moments when we all doubt the course of life, but you will be surprised how well everything can turn around with a little bit of faith, a positive faith! I have no idea what is the problem between you and April, but I’m sure there is a solution to it all. I know I’m not the most steady visitor here, but you always have my friendship and support! Feel free to write me if you wish to talk!

    • #71 by Tom Baker on January 28, 2012 - 9:30 PM

      I’m not accustom to making snap decisions so it came as a shock to me too that I have no desire to blog anymore. I was taken aback by the situation and just not thinking properly. We will see what happens in the near future. Thank you for caring.

  33. #72 by Sylvia on January 24, 2012 - 12:40 AM

    Tom, I am sad after reading your post. You kind of been with me on my own journey with my blog. You always had kind things to say about the crazy things I post. Whatever happens, please know that you are in my prayers and hoping you find what you need to comfort you. I hope you will reconsider leaving your blog, you will be missed. \m/

    • #73 by Tom Baker on January 28, 2012 - 9:27 PM

      Nothing is definite but I don’t feel like doing much of anything lately. Thank you for caring.

  34. #74 by TemptingSweets99 on January 24, 2012 - 12:27 AM

    Umm… I confused? I’ll just say take a deep breathe, release and breath again. Repeat. Wait on your decision. Take some time. I’m sending you good thoughts and will be saying a prayer for you that everything will turn out well for you. Don’t despair.

    • #75 by Tom Baker on January 28, 2012 - 9:26 PM

      I’m trying not to despair. I’m just feeling pretty numb right now but I remain optimistic. Thank you for caring.

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