Guest Blogger, Cherlyn Cochrane

Cherlyn Cochrane joins the list of only one other blogger; Chris Ferrell, who has guest posted twice on Morning Erection.
This post required a lot of soul searching and much reflection. It is not meant in anyway to illicit from you pity or judgement. Cherlyn is not only this month’s guest blogger but also my good friend so like I ask every month – please leave a comment and check out her awesome blog.
This post is a two pager. Be sure to click on page two at the bottom to continue.

Labor Day, Alcohol and Aunt Kay

I’ve often asked myself in the past six months or so, “How did I get this way?” It’s one of those questions with either infinite answers or absolutely none at all. Most people can’t pin-point the exact moment or time when they shut down completely – I however, can pinpoint the precise moment.

Labor Day weekend is typically uneventful for most of us, and I can admit I have absolutely no idea the significance of the day other than the fact that I typically get the day off and get extra pay. My friends and I will find any excuse to get-together and drink, and this past Labor Day weekend was no exception. And now, it has its own type of significance.

The summer of 2011 wasn’t typical for me; I was going out with my friends more, drinking, staying up late and basically enjoying my college years (…after I had already completed college. I suppose I tend to do things a bit backwards). Normally that would sound like a rather good summer, but to be frank, I was anxious for it to be over. For whatever reason, 2011 was a year I decided I had had enough of being alone. After spending a good few months being rejected, I had dared to attempt online dating. My summer comprised mostly of me meeting new singles, trying to find someone I could stand being around for more than a day and who could stand being around me. So while I enjoyed going out, I was looking forward to the constant meeting of new people, the constant first (and only) dates to be over, and to move on – to change seasons to be obviously metaphorical.

A few bad dates here and there, I was starting to lose hope, lose confidence in myself. I was trying to arrange a meeting with someone I had been talking to for a while that sounded like a nice enough guy. After a few evenings of him not responding to my messages, I was in need of some comfort so I visited a friend’s house for a few drinks. This would be the start of my infamous Labor Day weekend.

I knew I’d be having a few drinks the following night, and was hoping to not drink too much this Friday evening. What kick started my drinking binge of the weekend was my friend’s Aunt Kay.

We sat outside on their back porch, it seemed only fitting to enjoy one of the last nights of the summer enjoying the warm air and blue skies while it lasted. It was my friend, her mother, aunt and I, sharing a few glasses of wine. The topics were nothing of relevance, films and music, normal topics. The artist Adele was brought up, as we and the rest of the nation was entranced with the single Rolling in the Deep. As I would learn to be in typical “Aunt Kay” fashion, she said bluntly, “She’s really pretty for a fat girl. You know CiCi, if you cut your hair, and wore some make up, you’d be really pretty too.”

I’m almost positive at this moment now she was probably trying to give me a compliment. The positive person in me wants to see the good in everyone and I would like to believe no one would go out of their way to make me feel bad. Another part of me feels like I did then, and that is embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I was sitting in the company with slender, beautiful, women, most of all being my friend, and I felt like a cow who interrupted their civil conversation.

This is what began my irrationality for the rest of the weekend. Though I don’t necessarily blame her for the rest of the weekend and my own resulting feelings, but when I think of this moment I do sour. The angry Scot in me hopes for another moment in the future where I can really stick it to her. That, or head-butt her.

For a few hours after that, I spent the evening with my friend in her room downing glass after glass of wine until I succumbed to a blissful numbness and tingling over my body. It wasn’t until about 9:30 p.m. that Tom, the guy I was talking to and hoping to meet, called me and wanted to do drinks that evening. He invited along my friend. Figuring there’s no harm going out for a little while more, the three of us went out for drinks.

I was nervous, and looking back I realize I probably should’ve met him alone. Sure, I was comfortable with my friend, but it’s better to meet someone new (especially in a date setting) alone. He wasn’t extremely talkative, making me more nervous. My friend did a lot of talking and I thought after a half an hour and a few shots things were going all right. He invited a friend out and we ended up bar hopping. When we got to the bar Emma’s, and he stalked off with his friend; my friend and I bought a drink and he started ignoring us. My friend and I went to the bathroom and then bought another drink. When we returned to where Tom and his friend were sitting beforehand, they were gone – he didn’t respond to my text messages or even have the courtesy to send me a message the next day.

For the second time that night I felt awful. There’s no feeling quite like feeling undesirable. I feel like I was rightfully upset, but I know I didn’t deal with it well. I had another drink, then another one. The bits and pieces I do remember involve two attractive black guys, kissing, fondling, and driving around. Luckily I made it home accompanied only by the hangover that would ensue.

The next day was the day of my friends’ party. They lived in Etobicoke, which meant a fair amount of travel time. To be quite honest, I really didn’t want to go. I knew that seeing my friends would be a lot of fun but I just wanted to mope around in my house. I sucked it up and went anyways.

I had been feeling kind of gross all day and decided I didn’t want to drink. I had about one drink for the first two or three hours of the evening. And as much as I love my friends, they can be a little pushy or moody when not everyone is drinking – I guess they sometimes think it’s like we can’t have fun without the alcohol. I ended up drinking more than I intended, at first to just shut them up, and then because I was getting drunk and I apparently don’t know the word “no” when I’m drunk.

My mood wasn’t the greatest, but I was pretty good at pretending I was fine – that is, until Tom sent me a text message asking for my friend’s number.

Now, that may not sound like a good enough reason to act like such a moron as I did, and it probably isn’t a good reason. But when you spend a good portion of your teenage years and now the beginning years of your adulthood being compared to your hot friends and knowing you’ll never be as attractive as they are, as skinny as they are, and as wanted as they are, sometimes you just can’t fake a smile on your face.

Continued on page 2.

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  1. #1 by Tiffany (lifewithblondie) on April 10, 2012 - 4:22 PM

    Beautiful post! I relate so much to what you had to say. I turned 36 yesterday, and just in the past few months I’ve learned to see the beauty in me. Don’t waste as many years thinking you aren’t gorgeous. Skinny isn’t the only form of pretty and once I accepted that, and put a smile in my heart, I started getting more compliments than I’ve ever had. It’s true, beauty comes from within, and once I had peace in my heart it shined so bright, it’s like living under a whole new light!

  2. #2 by Tom Baker on April 8, 2012 - 5:18 AM

    I thank you again for sharing of yourself in this way. Most of what I wanted to say I have said in the Thank You post but still I wanted you to know not to let a few small minded people have you thinking less of yourself. I’m happy to know that you are doing better these days my friend.

    • #3 by Cherlyn on April 8, 2012 - 8:54 AM

      Thank you Tom, and thank you for allowing myself to share how I felt!

  3. #4 by prysmatique on April 8, 2012 - 12:56 AM

    Thank you so much for sharing this with us, I know it’s got to be extremely tough. I don’t think you’re being fair with yourself though darling. You don’t need to keep up a front because you feel that your friends don’t need to see that side of you. They are only surface friends, and those aren’t the kind that help you heal. Your friends need to see you and help you, and it isn’t fair to you that you need to pretend! They haven’t seen enough – there’s no such thing. I think what you need to do is find the friends who are there for ALL of you. I went through a similar depressing time, albeit on a more menial level, dealing with some backstabbing/harassment drama in high school, and it was the friends that picked me up when I was at my lowest that have stood by me all these years. 8 years after that period of my life, these are the friends who I have cried with, both tears of joy and sadness. You need to find those friends, they will help you so much along your journey. Good luck <3

    • #5 by Cherlyn on April 8, 2012 - 8:53 AM

      You’re probably right – the thing is those firends that will be there to stand by me are probably here already, I just know I haven’t given them the chance to. I know I need to open up, to a lot of people in my life – slowly, slowy it’ll happen. If I open up to fast then there is just a big can of worms everywhere :P lol.

      Thank you for your wonderful advice and kind words, they really mean a lot to me. I’m glad you’ve overcome your depressing time, and I’m glad you have wonderful friends who’ve been able to help you through it!

      Thank you again :)

      • #6 by prysmatique on April 8, 2012 - 6:53 PM

        I don’t know you well, but you’re already an amazing and sweet person. Any true friend of yours will see that and be there for you all the time! I’m sure they’re there, but closing yourself off won’t help you know for sure. In time, I hope everything will get better! That’s all one can do, really. Hope <3

        • #7 by Cherlyn on April 8, 2012 - 8:00 PM

          Thank you for your kind words :) And you’re right, being closed off benefits no one I suppose.

  4. #8 by R. E. Hunter on April 7, 2012 - 3:19 PM

    Hi Cherlyn. I feel your pain. I’ve been in dark places like that more than once. It will get better. Writing this post was a good step to take. As difficult as it can be, talking about our inner feelings can help. I went through several years of counselling (cognitive behaviour therapy) that helped me see myself more realistically, not so negatively. But what really helped me was meeting some people who accepted me and loved me as I was. They helped me to improve in areas I needed to work on, but without ever judging me for my imperfections. I wish you the best.

    • #9 by Cherlyn on April 8, 2012 - 8:50 AM

      I’ve considered counselling, and have had it before – it definitely can help for sure. I’m glad to hear you’ve conquered your darkness, or are at least fighting it and winning, it gives me hope :). Thank you for your comment and stopping by!

  5. #10 by ambrosiapeyton on April 7, 2012 - 2:54 PM

    Cherlyn I only liked this post because of your courage to write it. I believe you will triumph and look back one day to see how far you have come. Keep your head up.

    • #11 by Cherlyn on April 7, 2012 - 2:58 PM

      I’m sure you’re right, I dont like moving backwards, so I’m sure I’ll be looking back from a better place :) Thank you for your kind comment!

  6. #12 by Off the Wall on April 7, 2012 - 12:29 PM

    Wow. Been there, done that, lived to tell the tale. Sounds like you are in a bit better place now. Good luck, you are well on your way!

  7. #14 by TemptingSweets99 on April 7, 2012 - 12:14 PM

    Thanks for sharing this with us. Gray skies are going to clear up. All in good time.

    • #15 by Cherlyn on April 7, 2012 - 2:57 PM

      I’ll remember to put on my happy face :) Thanks for your comment!

  8. #16 by nenskei on April 7, 2012 - 10:58 AM

    SAD! I can feel the emptiness u have Cherlyn! Empty as she is. Always felt the rejection, well pretty more I always feel rejection and the saddest is…. those are spoken indirectly, its me who discover the rejection itself.
    You know what’s the coolest thing to feel cher.. its being love despite how awful we are being seen. That they see our purity even during in our bad side.
    I always looking for love but it always running away everytime I found it.
    Someday, we will feel how to be love, being love not the way we want it but in most special we deserve to be.
    We will find ourselves full of hapiness, only when we fill the emptiness we have in our heart.
    Cheers for Happiness!

    • #17 by Cherlyn on April 8, 2012 - 8:48 AM

      I’m sorry to hear that you feel empty too – I hope one day that we both find whatever it is that makes us whole. And you’re right, it is a wonderful feeling knowing people love us despite not being able to see why ourselves.

      You’re absolutely right – we need to fill our emptiness and make ourselves whole. I know I need to learn to like myself better until I ever really find true happiness.

      Thanks for your lovely comment!

  9. #18 by Sleep and Salami on April 7, 2012 - 3:32 AM

    You aren’t awful, you don’t sound awful, and people who are willing to be introspective are rarely as bad as they think they are (I’m not sure that I phrased that right!)!

    Thank you for this post. It must have been difficult to write. I hope with all my heart that you find the meaning you are looking for.

    • #19 by Cherlyn on April 7, 2012 - 9:57 AM

      Thank you for your kind words – I wrote it during a down time in my life, and though it was difficult I do feel better expressing something I havent for so long.

      Thank you again!

  10. #20 by Broken Sparkles on April 7, 2012 - 2:31 AM

    I don’t know what to say … or no, I know, but it will be rather long and probably picked up as a spam comment. My sweet Cherlyn, I have told you this many times and I will say it again, you are an extraordinary person and should give yourself more credit. I know, I know … we live in a world where the wrapping of a package it’s always the first thing we all look at and judge by, but as I know that, I know too that there will someone for you that will see you for who you really are, a sweet and a caring person and he will have the magic touch of making you feel comfortable enough to open up. And if it’s not the person you are with right now, don’t loose hope and don’t doubt yourself …
    I understand how difficult is to be a duck amongst colorful and feathered birds, but as in the fairytale, there is always the moment where the ugly duckling turns into a beautiful swan … I do hope you will go easy on the drinking, because it is not a solution, whatever the problem … Now, having said all that I would like to thank Tom for hosting your thoughts today and to express my fondness of the way your writing flows smoothly and engaging for the readers! Hugs!

    • #21 by Cherlyn on April 7, 2012 - 10:00 AM

      Thank you Blaga. I wrote this when I was feeling very depressed, and this event occured when I was also very depressed. Your words mean a lot to me, because you too are a kind and wonderful person and I’m very greatful to have the privilige to know you!

      How I feel on this subject isn’t something that has been cured over night, but I think writing this post really opened my eyes to how much I was still hurting, and I’m glad I was able to express it and now I can try to move on from it. As for the drinking, I promise I will – besides the health reasons, it’s bad for my wallet too.

      Thank you again for your comment, and I too would like to thank Tom :). You guys are both awesome, I’m so very glad I talk to both of you, you’re both important people in my life!

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