Guest Blogger, Cherlyn Cochrane

So I drank. I drank every bit of alcohol I could get my hands on. I didn’t find the happiness or the love I was looking for within those shots or within those glasses, but I kept on looking. I ended up leaving without telling anyone – I staggered to the lake, and talked to these three creepy guys we had met earlier that evening. They gave me a hefty glass of scotch, and you can bet I was a good little Scot and I drank that – with gusto I might add.

What I remember is thinking that I was being a moron. At least I hadn’t drowned the rational side of myself completely. From what my foggy memory pieces together and what I’ve been told, a few of my friends came to find me, and the creepy guys got angry and ended up picking a fight with them. I’m sure we all made it home unscathed, but it’s still rather unsettling.

The rest of the night is kind of a blur. All I really remember is how I felt. It was a combination of feeling hurt, unwanted, angry, depressed, and ashamed. What a lovely cocktail of emotions eh? I remember being mad at my friend, the one who got the interest of Tom. Maybe she realized it, or maybe she didn’t, but for a bit there in my drunken state, I almost hated her. I hated how beautiful she was; I hated how she could make any man fall crazy in-love with her and yet she always complained about not having someone or not having a certain someone – she could literally have almost anyone she wanted.

And I hated myself for hating her for that instant. I hated that I wasn’t her, or that I wasn’t what someone wanted. I hated myself for being a mess that night, for making my friends worry, for acting like a complete doucebag because I was having a bad night. The loathing for myself trumped any petty jealousy I had and this loathing continued on until morning.

The loathing was mixed with shame when I woke up, as well as dehydration and a need to vomit.

As I said, I remember the exact moment I shut-down. We were all waking up, and I was clearly hung-over. I felt a pain all over my body, and I knew I had really done it this time. What hurt the most was this knot in my stomach, mixed with heaviness over my chest – I felt like I had opened up part of myself to show everyone, and I don’t think they like what they saw. Hell, I didn’t like what I saw. For one brief, drunken evening, I feel like I really opened up to everyone, that I was expressing a true form of myself. The thing that is so awful about this revelation is that I saw inside myself all the unattractiveness that made me undesirable; I saw a petty, jealous, empty person who could never be worthy of love. I had always felt like I was awful, but I tried to overcome my self-doubts, that I shouldn’t compare myself to my friends or people around me. What made me shut-down was the realization that I was awful all along. And it all became clear as to why I always felt so alone, even within the company of my friends. They saw this person hiding beneath my front, and though they accepted me as a whole, they never ventured further than the surface because they couldn’t stand the sight of me.

So I wept. I mourned my preconceptions of who I was, because I knew now I could never go back. Oh, I’d pretend things could be the same, and they all would too because they’re good people, why would they want to point out the obvious elephant in the room? But I cried, and let out all the shame and grief I felt. I pretended it was because I was hung over – that my head hurt from not wearing my night guard to bed…but really I wept because I saw how ugly I really was, and I couldn’t stand myself.

Ever since that weekend I have decided to keep that front up, because no one deserves to see that side of me. And with that I have completely shut down to the people I care about. Perhaps I think I’m protecting them, and maybe I am, but it doesn’t make it any easier for anyone. I rarely indulge in more than a few drinks, and when I do I seem to have a block up to not get drunk. I’m thankful for my cautiousness, because I don’t want to open up again – not for them, they’ve seen enough.

I suppose I’m sharing this today because I think it’s time to stop running from my fears, to stop hiding that ugly side of me. Truth be told, I’ve been very unhappy for a long time – the creative outlet of writing has done nothing for me, and I’ve frankly lost interest. I keep up with the necessities, like school and work, and seeing people when I can, but I’m interested in very little these days. When I feel anything, its sadness or frustration. And though I am seeing someone now, and I do love him, I don’t think I’ve opened up to him like he deserves, and I don’t think I’ve loved him like he deserves.

So with this exceptionally long, rambly, guest blog post, I was hoping to find meaning in myself again. I’m not sure if I’ve found it or not. Maybe there’s no quick fix for this emptiness.

Image Credits In Order Of Apperance:
Fat by WinterLand • Sorrow by LavaSpawn  Too Drunk To Dream by OurLadyOfSorrows Self-Hatred by ISeekHappiness

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  1. #1 by Tiffany (lifewithblondie) on April 10, 2012 - 4:22 PM

    Beautiful post! I relate so much to what you had to say. I turned 36 yesterday, and just in the past few months I’ve learned to see the beauty in me. Don’t waste as many years thinking you aren’t gorgeous. Skinny isn’t the only form of pretty and once I accepted that, and put a smile in my heart, I started getting more compliments than I’ve ever had. It’s true, beauty comes from within, and once I had peace in my heart it shined so bright, it’s like living under a whole new light!

  2. #2 by Tom Baker on April 8, 2012 - 5:18 AM

    I thank you again for sharing of yourself in this way. Most of what I wanted to say I have said in the Thank You post but still I wanted you to know not to let a few small minded people have you thinking less of yourself. I’m happy to know that you are doing better these days my friend.

    • #3 by Cherlyn on April 8, 2012 - 8:54 AM

      Thank you Tom, and thank you for allowing myself to share how I felt!

  3. #4 by prysmatique on April 8, 2012 - 12:56 AM

    Thank you so much for sharing this with us, I know it’s got to be extremely tough. I don’t think you’re being fair with yourself though darling. You don’t need to keep up a front because you feel that your friends don’t need to see that side of you. They are only surface friends, and those aren’t the kind that help you heal. Your friends need to see you and help you, and it isn’t fair to you that you need to pretend! They haven’t seen enough – there’s no such thing. I think what you need to do is find the friends who are there for ALL of you. I went through a similar depressing time, albeit on a more menial level, dealing with some backstabbing/harassment drama in high school, and it was the friends that picked me up when I was at my lowest that have stood by me all these years. 8 years after that period of my life, these are the friends who I have cried with, both tears of joy and sadness. You need to find those friends, they will help you so much along your journey. Good luck <3

    • #5 by Cherlyn on April 8, 2012 - 8:53 AM

      You’re probably right – the thing is those firends that will be there to stand by me are probably here already, I just know I haven’t given them the chance to. I know I need to open up, to a lot of people in my life – slowly, slowy it’ll happen. If I open up to fast then there is just a big can of worms everywhere :P lol.

      Thank you for your wonderful advice and kind words, they really mean a lot to me. I’m glad you’ve overcome your depressing time, and I’m glad you have wonderful friends who’ve been able to help you through it!

      Thank you again :)

      • #6 by prysmatique on April 8, 2012 - 6:53 PM

        I don’t know you well, but you’re already an amazing and sweet person. Any true friend of yours will see that and be there for you all the time! I’m sure they’re there, but closing yourself off won’t help you know for sure. In time, I hope everything will get better! That’s all one can do, really. Hope <3

        • #7 by Cherlyn on April 8, 2012 - 8:00 PM

          Thank you for your kind words :) And you’re right, being closed off benefits no one I suppose.

  4. #8 by R. E. Hunter on April 7, 2012 - 3:19 PM

    Hi Cherlyn. I feel your pain. I’ve been in dark places like that more than once. It will get better. Writing this post was a good step to take. As difficult as it can be, talking about our inner feelings can help. I went through several years of counselling (cognitive behaviour therapy) that helped me see myself more realistically, not so negatively. But what really helped me was meeting some people who accepted me and loved me as I was. They helped me to improve in areas I needed to work on, but without ever judging me for my imperfections. I wish you the best.

    • #9 by Cherlyn on April 8, 2012 - 8:50 AM

      I’ve considered counselling, and have had it before – it definitely can help for sure. I’m glad to hear you’ve conquered your darkness, or are at least fighting it and winning, it gives me hope :). Thank you for your comment and stopping by!

  5. #10 by ambrosiapeyton on April 7, 2012 - 2:54 PM

    Cherlyn I only liked this post because of your courage to write it. I believe you will triumph and look back one day to see how far you have come. Keep your head up.

    • #11 by Cherlyn on April 7, 2012 - 2:58 PM

      I’m sure you’re right, I dont like moving backwards, so I’m sure I’ll be looking back from a better place :) Thank you for your kind comment!

  6. #12 by Off the Wall on April 7, 2012 - 12:29 PM

    Wow. Been there, done that, lived to tell the tale. Sounds like you are in a bit better place now. Good luck, you are well on your way!

  7. #14 by TemptingSweets99 on April 7, 2012 - 12:14 PM

    Thanks for sharing this with us. Gray skies are going to clear up. All in good time.

    • #15 by Cherlyn on April 7, 2012 - 2:57 PM

      I’ll remember to put on my happy face :) Thanks for your comment!

  8. #16 by nenskei on April 7, 2012 - 10:58 AM

    SAD! I can feel the emptiness u have Cherlyn! Empty as she is. Always felt the rejection, well pretty more I always feel rejection and the saddest is…. those are spoken indirectly, its me who discover the rejection itself.
    You know what’s the coolest thing to feel cher.. its being love despite how awful we are being seen. That they see our purity even during in our bad side.
    I always looking for love but it always running away everytime I found it.
    Someday, we will feel how to be love, being love not the way we want it but in most special we deserve to be.
    We will find ourselves full of hapiness, only when we fill the emptiness we have in our heart.
    Cheers for Happiness!

    • #17 by Cherlyn on April 8, 2012 - 8:48 AM

      I’m sorry to hear that you feel empty too – I hope one day that we both find whatever it is that makes us whole. And you’re right, it is a wonderful feeling knowing people love us despite not being able to see why ourselves.

      You’re absolutely right – we need to fill our emptiness and make ourselves whole. I know I need to learn to like myself better until I ever really find true happiness.

      Thanks for your lovely comment!

  9. #18 by Sleep and Salami on April 7, 2012 - 3:32 AM

    You aren’t awful, you don’t sound awful, and people who are willing to be introspective are rarely as bad as they think they are (I’m not sure that I phrased that right!)!

    Thank you for this post. It must have been difficult to write. I hope with all my heart that you find the meaning you are looking for.

    • #19 by Cherlyn on April 7, 2012 - 9:57 AM

      Thank you for your kind words – I wrote it during a down time in my life, and though it was difficult I do feel better expressing something I havent for so long.

      Thank you again!

  10. #20 by Broken Sparkles on April 7, 2012 - 2:31 AM

    I don’t know what to say … or no, I know, but it will be rather long and probably picked up as a spam comment. My sweet Cherlyn, I have told you this many times and I will say it again, you are an extraordinary person and should give yourself more credit. I know, I know … we live in a world where the wrapping of a package it’s always the first thing we all look at and judge by, but as I know that, I know too that there will someone for you that will see you for who you really are, a sweet and a caring person and he will have the magic touch of making you feel comfortable enough to open up. And if it’s not the person you are with right now, don’t loose hope and don’t doubt yourself …
    I understand how difficult is to be a duck amongst colorful and feathered birds, but as in the fairytale, there is always the moment where the ugly duckling turns into a beautiful swan … I do hope you will go easy on the drinking, because it is not a solution, whatever the problem … Now, having said all that I would like to thank Tom for hosting your thoughts today and to express my fondness of the way your writing flows smoothly and engaging for the readers! Hugs!

    • #21 by Cherlyn on April 7, 2012 - 10:00 AM

      Thank you Blaga. I wrote this when I was feeling very depressed, and this event occured when I was also very depressed. Your words mean a lot to me, because you too are a kind and wonderful person and I’m very greatful to have the privilige to know you!

      How I feel on this subject isn’t something that has been cured over night, but I think writing this post really opened my eyes to how much I was still hurting, and I’m glad I was able to express it and now I can try to move on from it. As for the drinking, I promise I will – besides the health reasons, it’s bad for my wallet too.

      Thank you again for your comment, and I too would like to thank Tom :). You guys are both awesome, I’m so very glad I talk to both of you, you’re both important people in my life!

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