Posts Tagged Happiness

Guest Blogger, Cherlyn Cochrane

Cherlyn Cochrane joins the list of only one other blogger; Chris Ferrell, who has guest posted twice on Morning Erection.
This post required a lot of soul searching and much reflection. It is not meant in anyway to illicit from you pity or judgement. Cherlyn is not only this month’s guest blogger but also my good friend so like I ask every month – please leave a comment and check out her awesome blog.
This post is a two pager. Be sure to click on page two at the bottom to continue.


Labor Day, Alcohol and Aunt Kay

I’ve often asked myself in the past six months or so, “How did I get this way?” It’s one of those questions with either infinite answers or absolutely none at all. Most people can’t pin-point the exact moment or time when they shut down completely – I however, can pinpoint the precise moment.

Labor Day weekend is typically uneventful for most of us, and I can admit I have absolutely no idea the significance of the day other than the fact that I typically get the day off and get extra pay. My friends and I will find any excuse to get-together and drink, and this past Labor Day weekend was no exception. And now, it has its own type of significance.

The summer of 2011 wasn’t typical for me; I was going out with my friends more, drinking, staying up late and basically enjoying my college years (…after I had already completed college. I suppose I tend to do things a bit backwards). Normally that would sound like a rather good summer, but to be frank, I was anxious for it to be over. For whatever reason, 2011 was a year I decided I had had enough of being alone. After spending a good few months being rejected, I had dared to attempt online dating. My summer comprised mostly of me meeting new singles, trying to find someone I could stand being around for more than a day and who could stand being around me. So while I enjoyed going out, I was looking forward to the constant meeting of new people, the constant first (and only) dates to be over, and to move on – to change seasons to be obviously metaphorical.

A few bad dates here and there, I was starting to lose hope, lose confidence in myself. I was trying to arrange a meeting with someone I had been talking to for a while that sounded like a nice enough guy. After a few evenings of him not responding to my messages, I was in need of some comfort so I visited a friend’s house for a few drinks. This would be the start of my infamous Labor Day weekend.

I knew I’d be having a few drinks the following night, and was hoping to not drink too much this Friday evening. What kick started my drinking binge of the weekend was my friend’s Aunt Kay.

We sat outside on their back porch, it seemed only fitting to enjoy one of the last nights of the summer enjoying the warm air and blue skies while it lasted. It was my friend, her mother, aunt and I, sharing a few glasses of wine. The topics were nothing of relevance, films and music, normal topics. The artist Adele was brought up, as we and the rest of the nation was entranced with the single Rolling in the Deep. As I would learn to be in typical “Aunt Kay” fashion, she said bluntly, “She’s really pretty for a fat girl. You know CiCi, if you cut your hair, and wore some make up, you’d be really pretty too.”

I’m almost positive at this moment now she was probably trying to give me a compliment. The positive person in me wants to see the good in everyone and I would like to believe no one would go out of their way to make me feel bad. Another part of me feels like I did then, and that is embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I was sitting in the company with slender, beautiful, women, most of all being my friend, and I felt like a cow who interrupted their civil conversation.

This is what began my irrationality for the rest of the weekend. Though I don’t necessarily blame her for the rest of the weekend and my own resulting feelings, but when I think of this moment I do sour. The angry Scot in me hopes for another moment in the future where I can really stick it to her. That, or head-butt her.

For a few hours after that, I spent the evening with my friend in her room downing glass after glass of wine until I succumbed to a blissful numbness and tingling over my body. It wasn’t until about 9:30 p.m. that Tom, the guy I was talking to and hoping to meet, called me and wanted to do drinks that evening. He invited along my friend. Figuring there’s no harm going out for a little while more, the three of us went out for drinks.

I was nervous, and looking back I realize I probably should’ve met him alone. Sure, I was comfortable with my friend, but it’s better to meet someone new (especially in a date setting) alone. He wasn’t extremely talkative, making me more nervous. My friend did a lot of talking and I thought after a half an hour and a few shots things were going all right. He invited a friend out and we ended up bar hopping. When we got to the bar Emma’s, and he stalked off with his friend; my friend and I bought a drink and he started ignoring us. My friend and I went to the bathroom and then bought another drink. When we returned to where Tom and his friend were sitting beforehand, they were gone – he didn’t respond to my text messages or even have the courtesy to send me a message the next day.

For the second time that night I felt awful. There’s no feeling quite like feeling undesirable. I feel like I was rightfully upset, but I know I didn’t deal with it well. I had another drink, then another one. The bits and pieces I do remember involve two attractive black guys, kissing, fondling, and driving around. Luckily I made it home accompanied only by the hangover that would ensue.

The next day was the day of my friends’ party. They lived in Etobicoke, which meant a fair amount of travel time. To be quite honest, I really didn’t want to go. I knew that seeing my friends would be a lot of fun but I just wanted to mope around in my house. I sucked it up and went anyways.

I had been feeling kind of gross all day and decided I didn’t want to drink. I had about one drink for the first two or three hours of the evening. And as much as I love my friends, they can be a little pushy or moody when not everyone is drinking – I guess they sometimes think it’s like we can’t have fun without the alcohol. I ended up drinking more than I intended, at first to just shut them up, and then because I was getting drunk and I apparently don’t know the word “no” when I’m drunk.

My mood wasn’t the greatest, but I was pretty good at pretending I was fine – that is, until Tom sent me a text message asking for my friend’s number.

Now, that may not sound like a good enough reason to act like such a moron as I did, and it probably isn’t a good reason. But when you spend a good portion of your teenage years and now the beginning years of your adulthood being compared to your hot friends and knowing you’ll never be as attractive as they are, as skinny as they are, and as wanted as they are, sometimes you just can’t fake a smile on your face.

Continued on page 2.

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Guest Blogger, Cherlyn Cochrane

Introducing Cherlyn Cochrane from Over A Cup Of Coffee

Please join me in welcoming Cherlyn Cochrane, an admitted coffee addict, to Morning Erection. Being happy is at the forefront of most of our thoughts on a daily basis and in the back of our minds as well. Enjoy her post and please remember her guest post here is a sacrifice because it means she neglected her own blog and spent time thinking of a great post for us. As always, it is a great honor for me to be able to have a guest blogger. As a favor to me please show Cherlyn the courtesy of leaving lots of comments and visit her site too. Thanks.
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Honestly Happy

Before I begin I would like to just say thank you to Tom for allowing me this opportunity to be guest blogger for the month of September. It gives me a warm, bubbly feeling inside that something that I’ve written and put my heart into has been able to inspire others. It’s much more than I expected to ever happen with my written works, but it is an absolutely welcome feeling.

I wasn’t quite sure what to write about at first, and I thought that the best thing I could to do was to share a little of my own blog with Tom’s readers. A lot of what I do at Over a Cup of Coffee is try to express myself like I would when I’m going out for a cup of coffee in real life – whether it be discussing my feelings and thoughts with a friend, talking about silly facts, or even writing poems for myself.  The past two months I have been doing a lot of internal reflecting about who I am and what others perceive me to be. Tom has already mentioned exquisitely in his post The Most Beautiful Girl in the World , something that I feel very strongly about as well (great minds do think a like after all). And don’t worry, I’m not going to bore you (or at least try not to) with reiterating the same things Tom already talked about, because I couldn’t have worded it better than he did.

Some of you may not know this, but people lie on average three to five times in a ten minute conversation. I was a little surprised when I heard this.  Well that’s an understatement – I thought it was a load of bull and convinced myself that I never do that.

“Mirror” by Mia aka eatmeupinside

I of course was lying to myself, so what does that tell you?  Since I’ve been back living in my home town, I’ve started to realize that maybe that fact isn’t completely unjustified. Do you ever feel as though you have a certain “face” to wear in front of certain people, and another to wear in front of another group of people? Do we hide part of who are from a group of friends because we feel like they will judge us? Do we pretend to like something we don’t to appear compatible with a potential partner?

All those questions started invading my thoughts every time I was out with friends or sitting with my family, or meeting someone knew. And trust me, I already have enough weird questions going through my mind without answers, I didn’t need these ones floating around up there.  Of course the answer to all those questions is a yes, and trying to convince myself otherwise was naive. I think the more important question is, why do we do it, and is it a bad thing?

I have two scopes of thought on those questions. By the way, yes I totally ask myself questions like these when I’m alone drinking coffee. I am one complex lady.

The first strain of thought is that we do it because we are so eager to be accepted by others that we tell small lies here and there that will make ourselves look better. The lies may not be full lies, but perhaps just an exaggeration of the truth. Is it a bad thing?  If the lie doesn’t hurt anyone, then no.  But then, that other darker half of me pipes in with: we do it because we don’t accept ourselves, and we lie to make others accept us instead. With this perspective, I think it is a very bad thing.

Though I don’t want to appear a “glass half empty” type of person, I tend to lean towards the second point of view. And it’s only because in the past few months I’ve actually started to understand myself and who I am.  I’m a liar, just like everyone else.

I used to lie to myself all the time. I’d lie that I felt strong, that I could take on everything and anything all by myself.  I would force myself to believe I was ugly, and worthless, and terrible. I used to tell myself I could only rely on myself.  To certain friends I presented myself with the image of a strong, good listener. To others it was the easy going joker type. It wasn’t until I realized that I, like so many others, wore different faces or different masks; and when you’re lying to yourself and to others about who you are, you start to forget who you really are.  And I had forgotten who I was.

 

"Happy Milk" by Elcin Temel aka hippychick7 from deviantart.com

 

With all my inane ramblings and incoherent jumbled thoughts, I hope someone out there takes the time to look into their own reflection. Do you see someone you know? Do you see what others see? Is your reflection foreign to you?  Once I started admitting to myself the truth about how I felt, or what I thought, I found it easier to open up (which was a very hard thing for me to do). And to be perfectly honest, I haven’t felt happier.

There’s nothing wrong with saving face; but when you start to lie to yourself and others, you start to crack that reflection of yours, and you lose that clear, crisp image of yourself. And maybe we truly lie to ourselves when we are not happy with who we are. If you look into your reflection and see something you do not like, take the time to figure out why. There’s more to it than just “I feel fat”, or “I feel ugly”.  If you feel good about yourself, for who you are, and not what society and others want you to be – you will feel good about what you see, and just maybe that reflection of yours will smile back at you. Happiness doesn’t stem from just what our appearance is.  Example: I’m not unhappy because I’m overweight, I’m overweight because I’m unhappy. I won’t be happy if I lose weight, rather I need to be happy before I can ever lose weight.  Or it won’t ever happen.

My advice to anyone out there, who believes from time to time that they are worthless, or that no one cares and that you have to take care of yourself – don’t lie to yourself, because no one is worthless, and there is always someone there for you if you look for it. You deserve happiness, don’t let yourself or anyone else convince you otherwise.

Below is a poem I wrote with those thoughts in mind – and I hope you enjoy it. Thank you so much again for reading, I hope I gave you something to think about. Thank you Tom for having me here this month, it was an honour!


Clear Reflection
Avoid the looking glass; it haunts.
Sense its malice as it taunts.
Reflecting what you wish not to see –
but you are blind to true beauty.

Judge your face and your physique –
for every flaw an equal critique.
But the reflection shows within your eyes
just how much the mirror lies.

What you hold to be pure and grade,
is nothing more than just a face.
Truth of beauty lies within –
it is deeper than our skin.

A mirror (like our soul) can break;
and its reflection can be fake.
Do not dissect your defects,
look beyond what the mirror reflects.

 

“Feline Reflection” by Diana M. aka ladyspunky on deviantart.com

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About Cherlyn Cochrane aka cursemymetalbody

I live in Burlington, ON, Canada. I’m a recent graduate of the Food and Nutrition Program at Fanshawe College, and apart from looking for a job, I’m not up to too much lately! I enjoy movies, books, reading, writing, music, the internet, games – and especially coffee.

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